Thoughts of a Living Jedi

part three

Wed, 14 Feb 2007 07:03:43 GMT

My voice is gone again. I cannot believe what I have heard. How can it have been so long?

Now I understand the faces I have seen, the expressions of pity. How much have I missed? What have I lost? What has changed in all this time?

I look back up to Obi-Wan's face, a tear rolling down my cheek.

"I'm so sorry, Qui-Gon. I should have waited to tell you. You aren't ready."

I shake my head, his words only vaguely registering. "Tell me what I've missed."

He touches my head as though I am injured and fragile. "Not yet."

"Force, Padawan! I need to know!" I take a deep breath; I am overwhelmed and not myself. "I'm sorry. Perhaps you are right. I should rest." I close my eyes, but he speaks quietly to my question.

"I will tell you one thing: I am not your Padawan any more. I have been knighted."

I look at him again, more stunned than ever. I see now the age in his face, the burden of his new rank, and the missing strand at his ear. "Oh," I breathe out, turning away.

"About a year ago. I wanted to wait, but the Council insisted I was ready and needed to move on." His thumb rubs my hand idly. "Qui-Gon, it hasn't been easy. I missed you every day. I would come and see you whenever I could, talk to you, hoping you would hear me. I think I about gave up trying when they said that, but not hoping. Hoping someday you would be back with us. I'm so glad to see you now." He smiles through his tears, and lays his head down on my chest. "Thank you for coming back, my Master."

I put my arms around him. There is much more we need to talk about, but for now I must recover my strength. We have plenty of time now.

part two

Wed, 13 Sep 2006 05:57:45 GMT

I am so groggy as I emerge from my rest, as if I've slept for too long and the morning wanes. The light hurts as I open my eyes. I squint against it as I gradually become accustomed. I hear voices murmuring nearby and machines. I guess that I am in the healers; the smell and sounds are all too familiar. Someone touches my face, Obi-Wan, or perhaps Fren.

"Qui-Gon?" The world takes shape before me, and I see Obi-Wan at my side. He looks so worried, the burden creasing his face, making him look older. I look around and see Tahl, Adi, and other friends at the foot of my sleepcouch. They look the same as Obi-Wan, to whom my gaze returns. His grey eyes are stormy and full of dismay. Weakly, I reach to touch his cheek. I would tell him not to worry so, but my throat is dry and I cannot find my voice.

"Careful. You've been through a lot." Obi-Wan lifts my head and holds a glass of water to my lips. I drink and feel better. "You were out for... a long time. I'm glad you're awake." He smiles sadly at me, then looks at the others. "We were so worried about you." They nod and agree.

Adi steps forward and pats my shoulder. "Please, forgive us, we wanted to be here when you awoke, but we have duties that can wait no longer. We will leave you in the capable hands of Healer Fren and ... Obi-Wan."

I smile and nod. Of course, I don't expect them to stay. I am grateful to see them, but I feel fine. I will speak to them later. Obi-Wan turns and watches them exit, nodding to Tahl as she lingers a moment looking back from the doorway. Then she is gone too.

"How do you feel?" he says as he touches my hair. I see the shimmering in his look.

"I feel fine." I smile and reach to tug his braid, but my sleepy head cannot find it. He wraps his hand around my wandering fingers. I squeeze it with what strength I have in what I hope is a comforting gesture, but he seems only to descend closer to tears as I try to sit up.

"Master, please, don't push yourself yet. You need time to recover."

My brow furrows as I look at him curiously. "How much time?"

"You were in a coma for a long time. You were so badly hurt, and- the collar. We needed to remove it so you could heal... but you were so weak. You couldn't take it." He quivered as he spoke. "You went into shock. You fell farther...."

"Obi-Wan... how long was I...?"

He swallowed hard before he answered. "Three years. You were asleep for three years...."

part one

Thu, 24 Aug 2006 06:11:41 GMT

The floor is cold, so cold, but the freezing stones burn against my battered skin. It has been this way for weeks now, suffering the constant battering of my captors. I am so numb, the cold barely registers any more. It is almost like floating in a bacta chamber, but instead of healing my wounds, it compounds them. I am dying here, and shall die if I cannot escape. I do not think that I shall depart from this stone-encased misery; I have not the strength.

At any other time, I should not be in such dire circumstances, save for one true and crowning torture they have placed upon me, literally. My strength was greatly reduced the moment they placed this Force collar upon me. Every time before, and this time as well, it feels like dying. I cannot breathe, cannot feel aught but the loss. My senses are jumbled. I am paralyzed by deadening of my sixth sense. I am vulnerable as at no other time.

It is still on me as I lie here after all this time. I hear them coming again, no not again. I need more rest! I can't endure this any longer. Kill me or let me go, end it one way or another! I shiver as I wait for it to begin.

Fingers touch me. It hurts, and I don't know whether it is the pain or the fear of what is to come. I hear voices but can't understand. I can't help screaming. I scream.

"Sh, it's all right." I hear this strange voice, but it seems so far away. I shiver, and I feel arms around me. Slowly, I open one eye and peer up to see my Padawan. Obi-Wan is tending to me, trying to find a way to remove the blasted collar, wiping the tears as I now burst into tears. "It's all right now," he repeats. I think now it finally will be. I rest in his arms and know no more....

innocence

Tue, 25 Apr 2006 07:21:50 GMT

I can't get through the night alone. Voices echo in my head from some other life, one I am not aware of. There are so many, all haunting me, bearing me down with a burden of crushing weight. I wish to escape, yet my wandering leads me no farther from their terrible howls. The halls are empty; there is no one to help me. I must find peace.

I remember darkness. Mine? No, his. It has become mine though. Now I see nothing else. Colors are faded to pale grey. The night stretches to infinity, and I seek a small niche in which to hide until the illusory dawn arrives. Nowhere is there a safe harbor, naught but lies leads me on, on to further lost roads, until...

Force! They have gone. I hear silence. Where am I? I nearly collapse in relief.

Looking around I see... children? I seem to have ended up all the way down in the creche. The babies....

The babies are sanctuary. The voices are nothing in their presence. The voices would crush hope. The crechelings are pure hope, yet undestroyed by the voices. I would stay in this room forever, but I cannot see that far, so for this moment it is plenty enough.

The corner of my mouth turns up as I listen to their gentle breaths, so many together that I can hear it like a distant thunderstorm, so calming and natural. The babies take away my fear and disquiet.

I sit on the floor, holding my knees, listening to them, breathing in the wonderful atmosphere. Their innocence touches me. The beautiful souls in this room tear at my heart. I know that I cannot preserve them all, but neither can I bear to let the darkness take one more precious life. Tears release in cool streams as my bewilderment tears me in two.

I realize there is nothing I can do for now, not like this, so I simply listen, sit, and wait. I have peace here, and that is enough.

love without end

Fri, 07 Apr 2006 06:15:17 GMT

There exists a fear so deep in my heart.

I watch him sleep now, so still. My Obi-Wan rests on his side, his back toward me, but I see the profile of his face against the pillow, relaxed and peaceful. I reach out and stroke his cheek. When I feel like this, it is so hard not to touch him, to assure myself he is still here.

I wait for the day when my heart will break again. I fear the mistake I will make that will destroy me. For I know I am not perfect, and one day I will stumble too far. My impulse will go wrong, my rebellion will take me a way which he cannot follow, and we will be torn asunder, irrevocably. Then, surely, I will die, for he is my life and my light.

He says he will be at my side forever. He is so loyal and true, I know he will bear my mistakes and assist me. Yet he is but human, and can only go so far. I will choose, and he will choose other, and it shall be done.

Despite all, every morning I wake and find him still here, smiling at me. With each dawn, I feel the tiniest hope that my fear is in vain and no such pain will ever come to us. With all that I am, I wish that to be so.

Yet fear ever dwells within me.

No matter what becomes of us, I will always care for him. I bear only love in my thought of him, my heart's son, and that can never change, though he hate me with all the fury of the sun.

I should rest now, so that in the morning I can see his smile again, yet I fear that I will not, and so in my indecision, I remain, forever watching and waiting. Forever loving.

beautiful waterfalls

Tue, 28 Feb 2006 07:30:09 GMT

I have been wrong.

For the longest time, I was in pain and could see no other than the lost one. But there was another, and I treated him coldly for that time.

Today he could bear it no longer. He began to cry. I walked past him as I always did, barely acknowledging him. I heard sniffling and turned around. I walked back to him.

"Obi-Wan, what is wrong?"

"Nothing, Master."

"Clearly that is not so. What is the matter?"

"It is not my place to say, Master."

I hesitated to continue, but I had to know. It was my duty. "You must tell me."

He stared down at the floor. It occurred to me that he rarely would look me in the eye. "Master, I- Do you hate me?"

"What?" I could not think of a response. Did he really think that I did? Did I? Then it hit me: I had been trying to. At every opportunity, I pushed him away. I left him in the cold. I wanted him to go away and leave me alone forever.

But it didn't work. I didn't hate him. I cared for him. He was my apprentice, and I was proud of that, no matter how reluctantly. I hadn't wanted him to replace the dark one, but I needed him to, and so he had.

"No." If it had been any other question, I would have left it at that, but now I knew how he felt and how I felt. "No, my child, I do not hate you. I'm sorry if I have left that impression." I gently tilted his chin so he would look at me, but he closed his eyes. Tears still cascaded down his young round cheeks. With my thumbs I brushed them away.

I had been dead inside, and so I had not felt the warmth that he had brought into my heart. Nevertheless, there it was.

"No, my child, I love you."

He started and looked up at me. I had begun to shake; these emotions I was not used to had been unleashed all at once and would take time to absorb, but I knew it was true. My face mirrored his as my own cheeks glistened now with strained tears. Slowly, his smile grew brilliant, that genuine innocent smile that unknown impressed upon my heart, and I returned the expression. Weeping in joy, he wrapped his arms around me. "I love you so much, Master."

I clutched him against me. "Would that I had seen that sooner, Padawan mine."

He yawned against my tunic. Knowing what that meant at this late hour, I lifted him into my arms. I could not bear to let him go just yet. Though I was still adjusting to the realization, I preferred not to be alone. I had been so for far too long, and I would not punish him by leaving him alone again. He now sleeps beside me, head resting on one arm, fingers curled around my other. He looks so happy in rest, knowing I am here. I will always be here, I promise, kissing his brow and hugging him tight. Life will be different. Together we will be happy, a change for the better.

my heart

Tue, 03 Jan 2006 08:22:02 GMT

My Obi-Wan was very sick today.

It was a long day. He cried out for me until I arrived. I wrapped my arms around him, but he barely knew I was there. My arms are scratched from his thrashing against the pain. Somebody poisoned him, but there was nothing we could do save let it pass through his system.

Our tears became one as he shook in my arms, shivering and quaking as he was unable to stop the invasion in his blood. It should have been me; he shouldn't have to feel this. I squeeze him tighter. I need him to hold on. It shouldn't be like this. I want to see him smile again, at least be able to rest still and get some sleep.

He whimpers in my ear, clinging to my neck in agony and hope. There is a light somewhere, we just have to keep traveling toward it. All the pain will wash away and we'll be stronger for it. We'll patch up the cracks and make it strong again.

He is asleep now so beautifully on my chest. Rest has finally swept him away. Our heartbeat becomes one, our breathing is one, I feel it as he listens to my rhythms. "I love you," he murmurs.

I know. I would be nothing without your love.

pains

Tue, 22 Nov 2005 07:17:55 GMT

It seems I'm not the only one with baggage.

I found Obi-Wan locked in his room today. He had been crying, and he had a black eye. Once I finally got the story from him, I felt a greater connection to the boy. There was a shattering point in both our pasts. For my Padawan, it was the death of his nemesis, the boy he had never done anything to but who persisted in antagonizing Obi-Wan constantly. I myself witnessed several acts of this aggression before the boy's untimely demise, for which his friends blamed Obi-Wan.

This placing of fault on my student's head is what lead to the day's incident. It seems that today would have been Bruck's birthday. These hooligans were upset, and took it out on Obi-Wan, confronting him and attacking him. Obi-Wan, trying only to defend himself, was outnumbered but quick enough to get away with but the injured eye.

Yet, the fight stirred the emotions I had helped him deal with at the time of Bruck's death. I found him in the dark, eyes red, tunic washed with tears. For his part, he had tried to save Bruck from the accident that claimed his life, but his hate of Obi-Wan so clouded his mind, he would not accept it. All the raw emotions of the ordeal had been pushed to the surface again. Rather than seek me out, to burden me or seem to me weak, he hid and tried to find the calm he had before today managed.

I found him though, and held him. I provided him shoulder to rest on, support and love as I held him while he wept, the emotions churning again but not afraid to be released. I know how it feels to deal with this pain, and I wish that he did not. All I can do, however, is let him know I'm here. I have learned that I love him so very much. Now I must learn that no matter how much I love him, I cannot take away all his pain. No amount of wishing can clear it away.

So tightly he held onto me. How that made me feel, I find hard to describe. Loved, for one, needed moreso. Protective and happy and worried and so much more. I never want to let go. I will never let go.

more pain

Thu, 17 Nov 2005 04:58:59 GMT

"Master... are you all right?"

I look up and see those misty grey eyes looking at me with all the concern in the world. I can't bear to look into them.

"I'm fine," I lie.

He steps closer, puts a hand on my arm. "You're crying." He says it so softly, like a whisper trying not to awaken the pain.

"It doesn't matter." I just want him to leave me alone.

But he is too stubborn... too caring. "Please, Qui-Gon, let me help."

I look at him again, fearing to let him see me like this, but it is too late. "It's... it would have been... Today was Xanatos's birthday." I can barely control the sobs.

"Oh." I hope now he will leave, but he moves closer. "I'm sorry, Master. I know you loved him." I want to push him away, but I don't have the strength. I glance at him, and see his eyes shimmer. I'm upsetting him. I don't want that. He doesn't deserve to have to share in my pain.

I step away. "No, I'm fine."

For a moment, I think we can leave it at that, but he reaches for my hand. "No, you aren't, but you will be. I'll make sure, my Master." He hugs me.

Startled, I fail to react, but at last I hold him back. "Child... thank you." I squeeze him as tightly as he squeezes me. "Never leave me?"

"Never. I'll never give up on you, I promise. We're a team."

He is too good for me. How much I love him.

the thunder came, but not alone

Mon, 14 Nov 2005 07:54:26 GMT

Sometimes, the oddest occurrences take the greatest turns.

Today was a normal day like any other day. Well, a normal stormy day like any other stormy day on Coruscant. I could hear the thunder crashing as I walked the halls of the grand Jedi Temple and see the lightning flashing through the tall transparisteel windows. I returned to my apartment after another thoroughly frustrating meeting with the Council, though for as much as I was aggravated with them, I'm sure they were twice as much exasperated with me.

At last, I had the peace and quiet I needed of my solitude, or so I thought. I had sat but a moment when there was another clap of thunder and a following noise from the sleeproom, so I got up to investigate. The room appeared empty, but I knew appearances could be deceiving. There was another explosion outside, and the subsequent noise seemed to come from under the sleepcouch.

I lay flat on the floor and had a look. Gazing back at me were two wide, scared grey eyes. It was a small child, whose name I could not at the time recall entirely. I did recognize him from the creche. He must have remembered me from my visits there to Tahl. At every loud boom in the sky, he would cry out in fear.

"It's all right, little one. Come out from there."

Immediately, he scrambled out to me and into my arms. He clung to my neck with every ounce of strength he had, face buried in my shoulder.

Obi-Wan, that was his name. I wondered what had possessed him to come to me for safety.

I sat again, this time with Obi-Wan in my lap. "Child, Master Trajun will be worried about you. She won't know where you are." He gave me no response. "Is it all right if I tell her you are here with me?" He started at the question, but I added, "You can stay here though, if you like." He calmed and nodded, still not loosening his grip on me. Standing again, I went to the comm and informed Mola Li of her missing crecheling.

"Thank you, Qui-Gon. I will come take him off your hands," she offered.

"That's all right, thank you. I believe he's quite comfortable where he is. I'll return him a little later."

"Oh, I see," she said in that tone that she, Tahl, and Clee seemed to share when they thought they sensed something and which I still don't understand. "Very well then. Take care."

After returning to the sofa, I looked at the child. His eyes were now clenched shut, and he continued to shudder as the storm raged on. I was not sure at all what to do with him. He certainly seemed very connected to me and very determined to stay so. So I held him and tried to calm him.

"It's all right, Obi-Wan, the storm isn't going to hurt you. It's natural." I rubbed his back as I surrounded him with Living Force waves, trying to show him that the storm was no different from the air around us. He remained tense. I touched his face. "Obi-Wan, do you trust me?" When he still gave no answer, I continued. "Do you trust me, little one? I know that you must because you came to me when you were scared. You came to me because you feel safe, don't you? So you know I won't lie to you."

Finally, one little grey eye peeked out at me. "Hello there."

"Hi, Master Jinn," he squeaked before looking away. "I'm sorry I was hiding in your room."

"That's all right. I just want you to know you don't have to hide."

His eyes went wide then. "But it's so scary!" Just then was another rumble, and he threw his arms over his head and squeaked again.

"But it can't hurt you, I promise." I paused a moment. "I won't let it."

Little Obi-Wan looked up at me and smiled. Suddenly, he got up and hugged me around the neck. "Thank you, Master! I love you!"

I was so startled. I was unsure how to react. Obi-Wan did not notice my hesitation, of course. I noticed a stirring in my heart that perhaps could be called love. Still I did not know what to do with him but to hold him back. "Oh, child."

He sat back and continued smiling at me. "If you say it won't hurt me, Master Jinn, I won't be scared."

"Good."

"Because I know you'll protect me!" He grabbed one of my fingers with his tiny hand, and at that moment, I understood and knew our connection was stronger than just that moment.

my boys

Fri, 04 Nov 2005 07:26:47 GMT

I can't believe I have these boys. They are too wonderful.

Anakin has just fallen asleep in Obi-Wan's arms. At first, Obi-Wan had been so reluctant to accept his presence. But now they are brothers.

My dear Padawan has always been the youngest and the smallest. Now he is the older brother, the protector and comforter. He would say he learned it from me, but whether learned or natural, it is all him now. They look so precious on the sofa. They were watching a holovid, and Anakin curled up to Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan looked at him a moment, then put his arm around him. That is how they still sit. My boys, together.

I sit beside Obi-Wan, putting my own arm around them. Obi-Wan looks at me, and I smile at him. He closes his eyes and rests too, as he has for the longest time. We're a family, no matter what the Council says.

I kiss Obi-Wan's temple and gaze at his young face, remembering when it was younger still. He will be a knight soon, and Anakin his Padawan. How fast he has grown. I wish I could keep him. I never want him to leave me. I fear the loneliness would destroy me.

But that is the part of me that thinks too much. My heart knows that he will always be there, always be with me. Our bond will never be broken. Though we must make room for Anakin now, he is just another facet to shine in our lives. This time, we can be open from the start, not suffering through the issues that I faced early with Obi-Wan. I'm so proud of them.

wandering

Thu, 03 Nov 2005 07:19:31 GMT

I couldn't sleep.

I was wandering the halls, as I do when I cannot sleep, which is often of late. Obi-Wan, I must have woken him. He came up to me in the gardens. I hadn't even realized where I was going until I was there. I felt guilty for having disturbed him, but he insisted he had been awake.

He asked me what was wrong. I tried to tell him nothing. I want there to be nothing wrong. The boy is so perceptive. Yet I cannot tell him. There are no words to describe to him what is wrong. It is simply a feeling. I could open my bond to him... but I am not ready. I do trust him! I just need more time.

I showed him my favourite spot. He said it was lovely, and sat next to me. I tried to meditate for a while, but my center is still elusive. Obi-Wan could not meditate either; he was much too tired. Instead he merely sat quietly next to me. He tried to sit next to me, but sleep weighted his eyelids and he could not help leaning against me. I put my arm around him, and he fell asleep.

I watched him sleeping for some time. He looked so innocent. I wanted to love him. I wanted everything to be all right and I wanted to be able to love him. At least I could hold him. He isn't afraid of me any more. I could tell. I don't feel lonely any more. I have him. I trust him. I know he loves me.

I will love him.

still waiting

Sun, 30 Oct 2005 04:22:57 GMT

I know I still have time, but I don't think I'm going to be chosen. It just wasn't meant to be.

But I can't worry about it. I have other things to worry about. Like being alone. Most of my friends are gone, either chosen and away on missions or not chosen and sent away to other lives. I envy them, having already found their fates, while I wait in this limbo. Even Yuri is gone; he's still in the creche, so I don't see him much any more, except when I go to visit Eladh. But the Force will see me through.

I keep practicing the form Master Dooku mentioned in our brief talk. I still do not understand why he prefers it, but I will continue to learn it nevertheless. I have no trouble with meditation, and my teachers tell me that I am excellent with a lightsabre, but I know there is always more I can learn. Certainly I could learn more about the Unifying Force, but that is quite a task.

Funny, perhaps, that being so strong in the Living Force here keeps me from having more friends. Outside the Temple, my understanding of people and sympathy would make me a good friend to many. Inside the wall of the grand Jedi Temple, however, it is my understanding of the Force that is measured, and in that I am an oddball. I find that I have but a few close friends, who are more loyal and true than one might think possible. It is a strange situation, but it is what it is.

Maybe things will change if I am selected as Padawan. Certainly, my life will change, but in what ways I am not certain. It would be most interesting to find out.

a baby?

Thu, 27 Oct 2005 04:45:28 GMT

I found a little boy today. In the midst of a battle-strewn world, I found a lost little boy all by himself. He was just sitting there, so I picked him up. I held him, and he fell asleep on my shoulder. I know it was wrong, but when my duties were done that evening, I took him with me.

The Council was upset. I don't care. Nothing I ever do is right. Maybe I'm more like my Master than I thought possible. I can't believe they haven't outcasted me, or that I haven't chosen to leave. I can't leave though; I made my oath and I stand by it. Maybe I need a vacation. I could take the child with me. We'd go somewhere quiet. I would feel better. I could spend a little time with him before they...

They want to take him from me. I can't... I know it's wrong! I know he isn't mine. But I'm so lonely. That's my own fault though. Ever since I lost Xanatos, I've just wanted something that I couldn't name. This little boy is it. He is so innocent and quiet.

Why is it wrong to love him?! He is just a child. He needs love. Not from me, the Council tells me. I have to let him go, they say. But then I'll be alone again. I've been alone too long. I need him, if just for a little while. He cries when they take him from me. He wants to stay with me.

I don't know what to do. When those big bright eyes look at me, I see hope and warmth in them. Things forbidden, or at least separated, from the Jedi life. Especially the love he seeks in me.

They won't stop me. The Force brought me to him, brought him to me. I will let it guide me from here. I will have faith.

I worry that things will not go as I would have them. A lot of emotions I had buried are coming to the surface now. I can't stop crying. This little boy has become important to me. Perhaps I am in the wrong. I must meditate and find my path, but my center is elusive. I feel lost.

All I want is some peace again. Why is it too much to ask?

thoughts

Wed, 26 Oct 2005 04:58:21 GMT

I was talking to Rani about being chosen. He said it isn't important to catch a Master's eye, only to be my best. I know he is right. Still, I can't help imagining that Master Dooku was watching me. I suppose all initiates think it, but what would be the point of all our training if we don't get chosen? What initiate doesn't want to become a Padawan? Well, I know at least one, but that's a different story. Most would choose to become a student, but there are only so many available Masters.

After talking to him, I wanted to think about it, so I went for a walk in the gardens. I wasn't really watching where I was going, until suddenly there he was. Master Dooku was in the gardens, I don't know why and I didn't ask, but he talked to me for a few minutes. It wasn't about anything important, just a few comments on technique and such. He asked me my name. It was nice. I hope I get to talk to him in the future. I'm sure he could teach me a few things, if only in the way Master Yoda has always taught me and every other initiate that has passed through the Temple since he was knighted. I can't say I wasn't nervous, but he did not speak down to me or treat me as a child, though I am in fact one.

I will admit that I want more than anything to be a Padawan. Perhaps another Master will grant me the chance. I know I would make the best of the opportunity and be forever grateful. An initiate can only hope.

tournament

Tue, 25 Oct 2005 04:44:10 GMT

The lightsabre tournament was today. I participated in it. So did Tahl and Clee. We did pretty well too. It was fun to test my skills against my friends in front of everyone. I find it hardest to win and easiest to learn what I do wrong against them, since they are most familiar with my sparring technique.

Master Yoda was there, of course. So was one of his old Padawans. Master Dooku is one of the greatest Jedi ever, but then he was trained by Yoda, so he must be. I almost thought I saw him looking at me, but I'm certain I'm mistaken. Even if he glanced at me, it was just in the course of watching the event, as he looked at all the initiates. I would never dream of being chosen by a Knight such as he. Anyway, I have heard... things about him. I've heard he will not be taking another Padawan. So I know that I definitely will not be the one to make him change his mind.

Besides I am too young to be chosen this year. Maybe next year, some kindly Master will take pity on my humble abilities and grant me a Padawanship, but I wouldn't count on it.

new lightsabre

Sun, 23 Oct 2005 05:10:05 GMT

I built my first lightsabre today.

Master Dooku helped me. I knew mostly how it worked, and of course I knew how to use it, but I never built one all by myself before. I say all by myself because my Master really just watched me. I did all the construction myself. He would just say something if I did something wrong.

It's green. Everybody has a blue sabre, and I wanted to be different. Master Dooku didn't really care what color I chose. He said it doesn't matter, but it matters to me. I don't like to be like everyone else. They all think being a Jedi is fun and games, but it's not. They'll learn that soon enough.

Anyway, it wasn't that hard. The pieces mostly just fit together. Maybe I'm just good at mechanical stuff. At least Master Dooku said I did well. That really made me feel good. He's really hard to please sometimes... all of the time. But that just makes me work harder, which will make me a better Jedi. He does it all to make me strong, like he is. He knows what's best for me. He is one of the best, trained by Yoda even, so I can never ever let him down. Even if I don't agree with him, I must respect him and listen to him.

He is trying to teach me different techniques than we are usually taught. He was a little... ruffled, by the style of sabre I chose, but he says it can still work. I'm not sure what he thinks is so bad about it, but he refuses to spend much time on the other forms. I know I have my preference, but he tells me I will be weak if I concentrate on those styles. Sometimes I think Yoda did something to him way back when, but that is not for me to know.

Tahl and Rani thought my new lightsabre looked nice, but the others thought it was silly. I think Master Dooku's looks silly, but I would never tell him that. He uses it superbly, and that's all that counts, and so I point out to my friends, but they don't listen. They'll see when Master Dooku and I spar.

Time to go practice.

realization

Sat, 22 Oct 2005 06:05:39 GMT

I realized something today.

There was a fire fight on Torus IV. Obi-Wan - my Padawan - and I were there for the negotiations, of course. Which, of course, did not go well. So there was fighting.

I tried to defend the delegates from their own warriors. That's what I thought I was doing. It's all hazy now. I lost track of my Padawan. He is not an incompetent fighter.

I was running. Blaster bolts were everywhere. The only memory I have is one of pain. I fell. I do not know how long I lay there in a daze. There was more pain. I must have been writhing in pain, for I heard him tell me not to move.

I tried to push him away, but he persisted. I felt more pain and cried out to be left alone. He was tending to my wound, giving first aid to the hole in my side.

All I thought about at the time was the burning, the pain, and death. I thought that I would die, as one normally does from a critical blaster wound.

But it was not so critical. In a few minutes, the pain had subsided to more tolerable levels. I thought, idly, that Obi-Wan would have been better suited for the med ward than the Agricorps.

"There, Master, you should be all right now," he said in that humble voice of his that he uses because he is afraid of me.

I started to get up, but he held me. He held me in his arms, so that I would not open my wound. He held me across his lap because he knew that I would be tired from the blood loss. After a tense moment, I rested my head on his shoulder, and as my eyes closed he wrapped his own cloak around me.

Some time later, I awoke in a bed. The room where we were staying was dark. He sat next to me, dabbing at me with a cool cloth. "You had a fever, but you are coming out of it now," he informed me quietly. I said nothing. He continued to sit quietly.

"I'm sorry, Obi-Wan."

A pause. "Sorry for what, Master?"

"For what I did. For... trying to die."

Silence again. "What?"

"I didn't mean to, not consciously, but somewhere deep down, I wanted to find that shot. I wanted it to hit me, and end it. End the pain." Tears came to my eyes unbidden, rolled down my cheeks. I felt his unsure little fingers wiping them away, and realized that he had done the same earlier during my physical torment. "You know what happened, before?"

He nodded. "I know that you were betrayed and hurt."

How simply he had summed it up. "Yes, it hurt, and a part of me wanted to make it all go away. I'm sorry that I would ever think that, that I would ever try that. That I would ever leave you alone, abandon you. I..." There was no more to say.

"It's all right, Master. I understand." And he did.

I smiled.

And I realized that I trusted him.

And that I'm a bad Master.

Xanatos

Fri, 21 Oct 2005 06:10:58 GMT

Xanatos died today. Rather, he killed himself today. To spite me. To take away something else from my life. But he can't... couldn't. He didn't hurt me the way he wanted.

Which is not to say it doesn't hurt.

It was his choice, and he chose to hurt me. Rather than surrender to me, to give up any control, he chose that.

What he wanted though was to make me feel guilty. I do feel anger, but that will pass. What will remain is the sadness, the grief, and the frustration. I did care for him... I loved him as a son, even though he hated me. I cannot believe that, and yet I do. He acted as if he hated me, but somewhere deep down, I want to believe he felt something at least if not love than respect. I know that he felt no gratitude toward me, for all that I did, for believing in him, always propping him up even when I should not have.

I was blind. Blinded by his potential, I supported and defended his every action. Of course, this is what led to his downfall. He had no need of humility, nor of discipline. He was the best, and I treated him so.

He was not the best.

He was full of fault, errors that went uncorrected, undetected in the brilliance of the gems of ability and talent that shone alongside them. I let the fractures grow. I saw only the good. I was not wary of his hidden wrongs. I let the dark grow in him, sheltered it, would not let it mar my perfect apprentice, not when we could be the best. I let him die.

I killed him.

That is what he would have me believe. That is how he would hurt me, with that knowledge. But it did not work. I did not kill him.

It was his choice.

Now I must decide what to do with the boy. Obi-Wan, for whom I care not. Yet, he is in my care.